Dear Monday…

[wingedorange]

Dear New Jersey Drivers,

When it rains, please do not drive like morons. Water falling from the sky is not an excuse to do any of the following:

• Speed up unnaturally
• Slow down unnaturally
• Bob and wave in traffic
• Use the shoulder as a passing lane
• STOP, because, oh shit, you might HIT a raindrop and that would be catastrophic
• Drive without your lights. Guys. Come on. It gets dark at 4:30 now. Also, wipers on, lights on. It’s the law.
• TEXT AND DRIVE. For the love of god and yarn and all that is holy…what is wrong with you?
• For that matter, use a cellphone at all and drive. You can’t handle it.

Just so you know, these rules also apply in snow, sleet, or perfectly normal weather. Just don’t be tools, okay? Thanks.

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Dear Work,

I know this is a short week. I know we have a long holiday weekend coming up. Kids are squirrelly. I get that. But is there a reason you need to send me a child who is actively trying to kill me? Today he attempted to both hip-check me with a desk and trip me. Also, just so ya know, this was not the first time for these attempts on my life. Just sayin’.

So in short, please stop trying to kill me. Thanks.

CC: Workweek, with attachment
Attachment: GO FASTER.

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Dear AMAs,

I know we had this discussion last night, but since everyone at work felt the need to bring it up today, I feel it bears repeating. You were highly disappointing. Taylor Swift? Really?

Also, Adam Lambert…part of me wants to never speak of this again, because it was just this side of horrifying. However, part of me feels the need to ask why, out of all the numbers in the show, this was chosen as the closing number? This number cemented my fear that the music industry is all flash and no substance, and honestly? You can do better. Let’s go, step it up. Bring. It.

… Thanks.

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Dear Slapsgiving,

I love you. You made my Monday worthwhile.

Love and slaps!

Mirrored from winged orange.